Motherhood Struggles

Motherhood. Ask any mother and they’ll tell you it’s the greatest feeling ever and possibly one of the most beautiful experiences. For me it’s when I make eye contact with my princess and she smiles at me, that moment alone makes me weak. As most moms know though, motherhood isn’t all sunshine. As a first time mom the first time something is wrong with your child is truly heartbreaking and devastating. To know this precious child is miserable and I as the mommy can’t fix it, terrible. 

Well back in November I took my daughter in at 3 months old, I undress her and the doctor and I spot a rash on her back. “Are those bruises?” The scariest first question ever. I assure you I don’t poke my daughter dozens of times. By the way, her normal physician was not available so this was a new doctor to us. But next she states it is likely a skin pigmentation due to her being mixed bc the bumps are not raised. In my mind I’m thinking her clothes got washed with tide, not the All Free &a Clear I purchased just for her clothes.

So I leave I tell her father we gotta wash everything in All from now on and hopefully it goes away. Now seeing her everyday I truly didn’t notice her back get worse bc it was so gradual. A month goes by and I look back on an old picture and am in shock of how worse it got. So I go back in and out talk to her pediatrician. 

She tells me to just watch it and come back, sounds like it’s the laundry soap but if it doesn’t clear up by early January come back. Ok sounds good. So now I’m avid about watching that everything is washed in only All, telling my family to prepare their sheets and wash it with this soap for when we travel to them in a few days. 

So a week and a half pass by, travel home for vacation. All these new clothes and pajamas for my darling baby, family passing her around, loving on her the normal family thing. Well we come home and give her a bath and her entire backside breaks out in hives and is bright red over her already terrible rash. I cry, she smiles and laughs the whole time, then they’re gone in less than 30 min. At this point I’ve googled everything, taken photos called every mom I know including my own mom, the doctors and freaked out internally – that new mommy fear you know! Had me looking up cat allergies, crying that I was going to have to give up my fur baby, crying more and holding him all while she’s still laughing and smiling. Rushing her father home so I could take her to the doctors, talk about the roughest 30 minutes of emotions. Lol. Finally get ahold of her doctor it’s Friday evening they make me an appointment for early next week but if they come back to go to urgent care.

16145121_10206284653954663_1324136153_oSo appointment day comes and I take her in and they were so concerned wanting to send her to a Determologist because it’s that bad. I can’t tell you how thankful I am or how my good in that day was the sense of urgency her doctor had.  They asked me if she itched or seemed uncomfortable, then like a flash these moments I never thought twice about flash by in my mind. My chill baby has random moments of tears that aren’t fixable by orajel, food, diaper changes, or love from mom or dad. Maybe she was itchy this whole time?? Suddenly sadness consumes me, how did I miss it, should I have known, could I have known, is she miserable, what’s going on with my poor baby. 

They prescribe her some medication and send me home. So I go home and re wash every single item in our house on power wash with the All and instantly get her the cream for her back. It’s been a week today and the progress is small but it’s better. Her doctor told me that it could take a month to go away and since we’re not 100% sure it’s the detergent to keep her away from a lot of things. 

The heart ache, fears, sadness and guilt felt when my child was going through something were just the motions of motherhood. Despite the wave of negative emotions that came with this issue, I realize it was just me that thought all of them.  Through it all my baby still smiled and giggled, loved and needed me; and that right there is the best feeling ever and makes up for every scared emotion I experienced. Ahh the joys of motherhood. 

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